One of my biggest fears..

A Junebug friend (if you don't know who the Junebugs are, go here!) of mine posted on our Facebook page this morning:

'I am just curious - if you had the chance to do something on your "bucketlist" of sorts...what would you do? I don't mean big huge dreams - I am talking small - just passionate type things that if you were brave enough you would do this weekend.'

I replied.  I knew as soon as I read the question what my answer was going to be.  I didn't have to sit and think about it for one minute. Not even one second. 

My answer:  To speak publicly about our divorce, and the journey we've been on.  

Even just typing the words 'speak publicly' made my heart race.  I do not do well standing in front of a group of people.  All eyes on me, listening to me speak, watching my gestures, staring at what I'm wearing or laughing inside as my voice shakes and my chest and cheeks turn red and blotchy.  Yeah, um, not so much my thing. I remember dreading every day of speech class in High School and College.  Eww..  I even won a tryout for a solo in a Spring Concert when I was in High School.  I was super stoked, yet scared to death.  I pulled it off, but I remember feeling like I wanted to throw up before and after I was done.  I think that was the last solo I ever sang.  Good ole Whitney Houston's introduction to 'I Will Always Love You'..  

Last week Friday I had a MOPS meeting. The leader of the MOPS group at our church gives a little introduction each time.  During the welcome and introduction, she reminded the group again that if we ever felt led to lead devotions for the group or to get up and share a little bit about our life, faith, whatever.. that we are more than welcome.  A small part of me just wanted to stand up right then and there and walk to the mic and start talking.  Totally unprepared, but honest, real, emotional, and encouraging.  Of course I had that little voice in my head saying 'You sit your ass down young lady!  You can't get up there in front of all of these women and talk about your divorce!  Don't you remember the first MOPS meeting?  You couldn't even stand up in front of them and introduce yourself without having anxiety and turning all red in the face!'.   

I will speak publicly about our story some day.  I thought a good place to start would be to journal my story on paper.  Today I got a time line written down, so I will work off of that and write down word for word what I would say if I was speaking in front of a group.  After I get it all written down and tweaked, I've been encouraged to record myself telling our story, and then... you know, if my prayers are answered and God works a miracle on me and I over come my fear,.. I will stand before a crowd of people and tell my story.  Confidently.